Not all those who wander are lost. Only on some days.

It’s all relative. The stories you tell yourself to get through whatever current hell you’re going through, keep going. It seems we always write about things when they don’t go according to plan. But there really isn’t a plan anyway, as there are so many roads and decisions you have to make on a daily basis. You don’t ever end up where you intend on going to.

I haven’t written a public blog post since 2021; been keeping them to myself; old school handwritten in my diary, keeping my brain somewhat in one piece. I don’t write to understand what is happening; I write to let it go, and document half the craziness I’ve gone through in the last 3 years. Yet while I write online, there is also no filter or attempt to write in a way where I sugar coat anything. A quick recap? Let’s dive in.

Incredible year of training and skating, living in Inzell, pushing it past where I knew my body was capable of pushing. While becoming stronger than I ever had been before, happiness and consistency played a huge part to that success; on and off the ice. Fast forward to November 2021, I flew to Calgary to race the World Cup qualifier for the Beijing Olympics, only to find that my federation (Romania) did not enter my name. Seeing as I was one of two athletes eligible and capable of easily snagging a spot for Beijing, I was devastated that I did not have a fair chance to earn it. I already had gone to one Olympics and I wanted a chance to improve on the last one, but it was okay; I knew I was dealing with an amoral coach (to be PC cause we’re in 2024 and everyone get offended otherwise lol) who was running things internally and he eliminated all possible threat for his one athlete, who did qualify, even though we had 2 possible spots. So, I “retired” on the spot, and I went on to have the best 3 years of my life, to date.

Looking back, the only thing I regret doing, is taking a one year break after that, and travelling instead of maintaining fitness and jumping on a bike right away. I decided to return to competitive cycling in late 2022, dipping my toes in what would later become an obsessive hobby. Had some fun local international races in Austria and Germany; snagged some general classification women’s podiums, which you know mean nothing once you start actual road racing. Little did I know.

Christmas 2021, I had booked a non refundable 6 month airbnb in Girona, starting September 2022- ending in March 2023. The only way I could keep myself accountable to following through with certain parts of hunting for what destiny could possibly mean, was to spend money and not have a way to back out. I had never even heard of Girona, but in the midst of a chaotic Christmas that resembled some form of a level below hell, I booked it, then packed my car in Germany 10 months later, and drove to this mystical Spanish Bike Mecca. Self proclaimed, obviously.

My first winter in Girona is a little bit of a blur; yes, I did go back a second time as if I like making the same mistake 12 times until I learn. It was a weird winter, not having ice for the first time and learning to ride a bike for longer than 2h. The combination of missing the ice, moving to a new place where I knew not one soul, and getting lost on roads while riding, was the perfect combo into hating something that is actually so beautiful. I now go back and love it, but we will get to that in a couple minutes. I made friends, I conversed with almost anyone just to find belonging. I had fresh energy that I later learned would get drained, yet it all needed to happen to grow into the human writing this post. I'll circle back shortly.

The next summer was the summer of 2023; It was my first year racing for the NWVG UPLUS women’s team, and getting my ass kicked soon became my favourite way to train. After a few races, I got the hang of how it’s like to race the best in Europe, and I soon began to hold on, then to attack, then to attack on attack and finish with sprints. There is no better way to learn something than to suck at something new, and to bring the knowledge you have from another sport and apply. I would line up to these girls that were shaking on the line, and I would look over and just see myself in skating, over ten years ago. I became addicted to racing, and to climbing the ladder of personal success, finishing 4th at a professional criterium as my last race of the season in Austria. I needed more; I wanted more. I stayed to skate for 2 months in the Winter of 2023 but was ecstatic to drive to Girona for middle of November.

When I arrived, something was different. All of a sudden I felt a familiar feeling that had been lost for a couple of years. While people go to Girona to pretend to ride bikes (and later get eaten alive and leave town), or to be influencers that are lost in their own lives, there are also real athletes there, but you never see them. The feeling that took over my body was a sense of familiarity with how I was associating myself with the world of high performance sport. I had goals. I didn’t have time to go waste on drinking wine with girls that only talked about other girls. It soon became very clear to these energy sucking vampires, that Alex was not to be invited anywhere anymore, and I couldn’t have been happier. Happy, to be inside my house because I was exhausted from training, needing a nap before my second session of the day which then led to cooking the rest of the evening because the 9pm Spanish dinner time was not something I was going to let interfere with sleeping 10 hours a night. I love Girona, I love the locals, I love riding my gravel bike with the Girona Gravel Girls, and I love my true friends. I love the scenery, I love the Spanish vibes, and I love the culture and history. It’s an absolute privilege to be able to train and live in such a beautiful city while I achieve my goals. I worked my ass off that entire winter; went to team camp in February and came back strong and fit - and then I got sick. End of story.

There were a few eye opening moments for me this past year, that needed to happen in order to eliminate unnecessary encounters in the future, and to have a reality check of what my actual purpose is, as opposed to wearing high white socks, pretending to want to be a skinny hill climbing machine like every other professional cyclist wanna be in Girona. By the way, that is NOT the way. Please eat a burger, it’ll help you. Food IS YOUR FRIEND. Eating is a hobby. For F’s sakes I can’t have my own cookbook and try to lose weight? I like my body when it’s strong and jiggles. Anyhow.

We are now in September. I’ve been riding the waves of my comeback from mono and as frustrating as it may have been to not be able to race or train, I can say that I did successfully launch my new business and completely sold out of the first batch. I travelled and cleared my head, and immersed myself in new opportunities to take the world full on, while I knew I could and while it was still possible to be ‘all over the place’. The one thing I crave the most is to be In one place, to have consistency and to train with purpose once again. That time comes at the end of September when I will be able to get into a healthy routine of training full time on the ice with my old team, Team Finland, while I simultaneously train on the bike, to prepare myself for the UCI races I have on the calendar starting in December.

My life as a professional athlete is not over, despite the fact that I travelled like a maniac; it was the only way to get it out of my system while undergoing severe loss in all areas of my life. With a fresh start, anything is possible. We are only limited to what we make our brains believe we are limited to. I keep joking that I’m getting old but I have finally grown into the person that I like the most. I’ve been aloof and the people that have met me in the past two years have only known the ‘lost Alex’, because I was attaching myself to other people’s goals; thought it was also something I wanted to do. Reminded me of when I worked at lululemon and I ran a half marathon because ‘everyone else at lululemon wanted to run marathons’. My poor kneecaps. I now have a clear vision; my goals are tailored to what I’m made to be doing, and I couldn’t feel more relief.

So with loss comes re-evaluation, reality checks, lots of sushi, coffee, couch crying for 7 days in a row, shitty relationships, losing your so-called ‘best friend’, but it also comes with unconditional love that is shockingly still there. Even though I don’t like where I am at the moment, physically, I know that I’m capable of anything in this world. I have 4 years until LA2028 Summer Olympics. I will go to the Olympics; that’s not even the hardest part. The hardest part is deciding to get up and go at it again, (after falling in a rut of comfortable numbness) which I just have.

Let the fun begin.

A